Why is this completely about me? Because I'm just struggling... struggling to sometimes smile much lately. I feel so cranky, about to cry and just fed up basically. I'm not even really sure why all of that is. Why do I feel like this, what can I do to change it, how do I change it... where do I start? I just don't know :( I feel so sad in so many ways.
I feel frustrated with well pretty much everything in my life at the moment. I'm grateful but just dunno. Something is lacking? I don't know, don't even know if that is what the problem is. I don't even know how to verbalise it. I just want to scream and shout and just go crazy and let it all out, then just sit and cry and then.... maybe then climb back into my life. Maybe then I won't feel like just running away like I have felt like doing for a little while now. I hate feeling like this, really hate it.
It's like being restricted and constricted and just yeah, that. Doesn't matter what happens, the feeling might subside but does not go away completely. It bubbles away. My kids ... they cop it at times, particularly my 4 1/2 year old. Partly because they just know how to push buttons and partly cos they can be annoying (well seemingly) and partly because obviously my own feelings of self worth are not very good right now... I just react to virtually nothing! I feel sorry for my babies... my poor little 4 1/2 Master O..... he's such a bright little guy, and really does strive to please and yet, he gets knocked down :( That makes me so sad, so disappointed with myself and I just want to cry and cry. Why does a little boy who just wants to impress so much deserve to cop my bad mood because I can't work out my issues! That is so unfair!
So, looks like I need to really find some way to do something about this... what a revelation to my mind by just writing this. What an eye opener! Wow, I feel like a right cow and bitch and just the worst mother... I feel so sorry for my baby :/ What do I do now that I see it more clearly? What step do I take first? What is the right direction? HELP!!!
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