Self concious?

It's strange, so strange that I sit here and I think, what will I write?  What should I say?  There are times during the day when I think wow, I could just go on about whatever it is that popped into my head at that time.


What is it about a blog which makes me feel nervous about someone else reading it?  When I read my first few they kinda feel so disjointed in ways, like I'm self concious.  Which, to be honest, I really am in more ways than one.  It's almost like there are moments of "forced" things just because I should write something?  Does that make sense?  It does to me.  


I read other blogs, just a few that I follow, and I love reading them.  I look forward to reading them and what they say.... wow, it's like, is that how I should be doing it?  It's almost like they are just speaking to me, I get it, I understand it, I agree with it.  Is that how it's supposed to be?  Are they writing for them or for others?  Am I writing for me or for others?  I kinda think that it's for me, and perhaps someone else might appreciate what I'm saying, feel it, think it, live it.  Get it?  Ahhh why do I seem or feel so concerned about what someone else might think of what I say?  Hell, there's a great chance I wouldn't even know them, so who really cares, right?  ARGH!!!!  I guess for a part of it for me is that hmmm I want to say something that's meaningful, but you can't just force that, you can't just go, right, I'm going to talk about this... and force it out.  Well, you can, but that makes it harder, I just want to "talk".  So, I guess that's what I'm going to attempt to just do.  


Still, for now, this is all not shared with anyone, perhaps one day I'll have the courage.  Until then, it's just me, you and well... this little wall of space in the bigger space of the internet world lol.  

Today, what a great day :)  Started a little ummm unbalanced, but quickly balanced itself and turned out to be quite a great day.  Tempers were fairly well restrained by all which made for a fairly peaceful day on that front, which was so nice.  Makes me smile just to think about it.  


Another thing today which made me realise that perhaps we're not doing such a bad job of raising some lovely little people.  Master O (4 1/2) was helping his little brother (2 1/2) to climb up the slippery dip part of the jumping castle so he could slide down.  How proud I was of him!  I had that lump in my throat, you know the one where you are trying to hold back a tear?  That lump.  In that moment I thought, wow, perhaps we aren't doing so bad at this after all.  Maybe things do sink in and they do hear things that are said and explained to them.  So proud! :)

Completely about me...

Why is this completely about me?  Because I'm just struggling... struggling to sometimes smile much lately.  I feel so cranky, about to cry and just fed up basically.  I'm not even really sure why all of that is.  Why do I feel like this, what can I do to change it, how do I change it... where do I start?  I just don't know :(  I feel so sad in so many ways.  


I feel frustrated with well pretty much everything in my life at the moment.  I'm grateful but just dunno.  Something is lacking?  I don't know, don't even know if that is what the problem is.  I don't even know how to verbalise it.  I just want to scream and shout and just go crazy and let it all out, then just sit and cry and then.... maybe then climb back into my life.  Maybe then I won't feel like just running away like I have felt like doing for a little while now.  I hate feeling like this, really hate it.


It's like being restricted and constricted and just yeah, that.  Doesn't matter what happens, the feeling might subside but does not go away completely.  It bubbles away.  My kids ... they cop it at times, particularly my 4 1/2 year old.  Partly because they just know how to push buttons and partly cos they can be annoying (well seemingly) and partly because obviously my own feelings of self worth are not very good right now... I just react to virtually nothing!  I feel sorry for my babies... my poor little 4 1/2 Master O..... he's such a bright little guy, and really does strive to please and yet, he gets knocked down :(  That makes me so sad, so disappointed with myself and I just want to cry and cry.  Why does a little boy who just wants to impress so much deserve to cop my bad mood because I can't work out my issues!  That is so unfair!


So, looks like I need to really find some way to do something about this... what a revelation to my mind by just writing this.  What an eye opener!  Wow, I feel like a right cow and bitch and just the worst mother... I feel so sorry for my baby :/  What do I do now that I see it more clearly?  What step do I take first?  What is the right direction?  HELP!!!

So, what I really want to say right now is ... "fuck it!"... yep, that's what I want to say.  But I can't, I can't say that.  It's ummmm well not really very nice and well, I don't want to offend and there's definitely people I know who I do not want to see me saying words like that.... guess that stems from respect huh.  There's no problem with that, just that right now I just want to scream and shout and say "FUCK IT!!!"  *sighs*  


So why shouldn't I say it?  Why, why the hell not!?  I think that sometimes it is a good idea to censor thoughts before they fly out into the stratosphere as words, words which then are OUT THERE and you can't take them back then.  Words that can also be filled with some regret.  Although, if you are feeling something and you don't say how you really feel but you censor it, are you being untrue to yourself?  Are you being untrue to those around you or are you sparing feelings of another... or yourself?  


I've heard it said that the truth comes out in the heat of the moment.  Is that really true?  If I said that right now I don't want to be here, does that become the absolute truth forever, or is it just for now?  The right here and now.  


Maybe I just feel wrestless?  Maybe I just feel like I don't exist anymore.  That part is true.  I feel like I don't.  I'm just a mum, I'm just a wife, I'm nothing else.  I don't even know what I am or who I am or who I even was!  Who was I?  Who am I?  

Insecurities... mine

So my insecurities about my own blog writing shows that I am, in fact, not alone.  So that kinda makes me smile a little.  Just knowing, ya know?  That I'm not the only one who feels like this should be kept just private... only read by myself.  Kinda like a diary that you keep hidden from the world.  The thing is, I don't really want it like that, I don't want a diary like that.  At least not for this anyway.  This, this is meant to be more about just ummmm spewing it out, what is on my mind, or a random thought and then being able to just expand on that thought, to take it wherever it wants to go.  


So, now I'm wondering, do I now take the next step?  Do I actually dare to PUBLISH this?  Do I dare to even allow my friends to know that it exists?  *freak out*  What will they think anyway?  Will they think omg you're a moron and you just dream that perhaps anyone might want to even read what you are saying?  Hmmm perhaps, therein lays my issues.  MY issues, MY insecurities.  

Ahhhhh so I am feeling stressed about school!!!  Not school for me, but school for Goose!  He's 4 1/2 and due to start Prep next year.  However, I feel like he's not actually ready for it and have considered holding him back a year.  Actually, had made that decision to.... then he got offered a place in a school of choice.  Again, though, I'm not sure it fits HIM.  It's a good school and all but it still leaves me wondering about home schooling or hmmm maybe Montessori schools.  The style of teaching in Montessori schools REALLY suits Goose's style of learning.  What is going to be a better choice?  Mainstream, home schooling or Montessori?  Can I do at home basically what Montessori offers, therefore saving at a minimum around $4,000 in a year and putting some of those funds towards other activities for him?  These are such HUGE decisions for such little people :/

Question of the day: Do you care about Shane Warne and Liz Hurley getting engaged?  


My answer: NO, NO, NO!!!  


I really do not care!  He wasn't overly famous before but he's riding on her shirt tail as it would seem.  Seriously, though... I do NOT care!!!  I'm over hearing about it already to be honest and wish that it would just all be over already so that the world will just move on from it.  However, that's not about to happen is it... nope, it's going to be just like the "Hollywood" royal wedding.... the commoner and the princess.... *sighs* ... here we go again!!!